Reflections on Communication's Role in Our Happiness

Hey folks! It's been a while since I've had the time to write. Between the book (Public Speaking in the Semiosphere: Creating a Meaningful Experience for Your Audience ), the consulting through Semiosphere Consulting, speaking engagements with nice people like the Garden State Journalists Association and my full-time gig at Brookdale Community College, 2015 has been busy to say the least.

Yet as we say goodbye to another year and prepare to hit the ground running in 2016, this is an ideal time to pause and take a few minutes to reflect and reconnect. More often than not I use this space to talk about public speaking. Today though, I want to talk about communication at a different level. Basically I want to talk about life and the role communication plays in my own happiness, by looking at a few examples of communication choices that have made a difference for me.

I find my life filled with more blessings than I probably deserve and want to share some of them with you, with the hope that it might enrich your life.

Many of the great blessings in my life are from my students. We have an interesting relationship based on listening. At it's best, they listen to me, to hear what I have to share, give it meaning within the context of their own lives, and judge it's relevancy and usefulness. I on the other hand listen to their speeches, try to interpret what they mean, and judge their effectiveness as public speakers. I assess not only their delivery, but the substance of their ideas, and the manner in which they have encoded them for the listener. Their organizational strategies, language choices, and visual aids all come under scrutiny with the hope of helping them become more effective communicators.

And through their degree of success, I evaluate my own teaching methods to see what is working and what is not. All in all it is a mutually creative process designed to help each other communicate better. As such it is inherently enjoyable. Challenging? Oh yes! Both for the students and myself. We push each other to be better so that we will be more successful in the future. And therein lies the beauty of the process. Our motivation--mine anyway--is to help. I find when we frame our motivation as helping, it changes everything and becomes easier.

Another of the great blessings in my life is my relationship with my girlfriend. It's kind of a wonderful story. We were friends in grad school and were very fond of each other. Eventually we dated, but I had a significant problem with alcohol back then and, wisely, she chose to marry another man. We kept in touch, seeing each other annually at the National Communication Association convention, and occasional phone calls. She informed me last year that she was going through a divorce after 20+ years of marriage and through Facebook I tried to lend my support during what was a very difficult time for her. We planned a visit and things just seemed to click for us. Now sober, I had a whole new appreciation of this wonderful woman and thankfully she once again saw the good in me, and love blossomed.

It was our choice to stay in touch that made it all possible. Through maybe a half dozen phone calls over 20 years, our commitment to meeting for a meal at the convention each year, and a Facebook friend request, we maintained a relationship . During that time neither of us had even the faintest notion of a reconciliation. She was, after all, happily married. It was simply two old friends making a point to keep in touch over the years. This was something I have not always done with many friends, but now it is so easy to stay connected through Facebook and the various social media out there.

I guess what I am trying to say is that it is so important to stay in touch even occasionally with old friends, colleagues, and clients. We never know what the future may bring and with each person we encounter comes the potential for that special happiness only another human being can provide.

Finally, I heard from several former students over the holidays and was so pleased to hear how well they were doing. Now lawyers, executives, teachers, and performers I know in my heart that I played some small role in their success. Of course the majority of credit goes to the students and their parents, but I know that the skills they learned and the confidence they gained under my tutelage has served them well on their path to their current achievements. I take tremendous satisfaction in that and am grateful to have had the opportunity for a career in service to others.

And the lesson here is to realize that each moment we spend with others has the potential to influence them in a positive way. From the smallest act of kindness that helps them get through a rough day, to the sometimes tough-love of honest feedback. We are helping them on their path to tomorrow. The tone we set, the knowledge we share, the love we empower them with, all create the context of their life choices going forward.

So our communication choices really do matter. Each moment of our lives we make choices as to how we are going to perceive the the situation, and how we are going to express ourselves in response to it. And the choices we make today will create the tomorrow we find ourselves in.

As we turn the page on 2015, let us all resolve to make choices in 2016 that will lead to happiness and a sense of satisfaction in our personal and professional lives. When in doubt, choose to be supportive, loving, compassionate, and forgiving. We will certainly reap the rewards we sow through our communication choices. Happy New Year to everyone!

That's all for today. Be well and speak well. And as always, thank you for reading!

Listening is Sacred

I have been writing about listening for a week or so now, and somehow I don't think I've really captured its importance. Yes it is a practical skill that can help you immeasurably in your job, your schooling, and your relationships, but it runs deeper than that. Listening to someone--really listening--is a sacred act.

When we really listen to someone, driven by a sincere desire to understand them, it is like we open up our soul and allow them to write on it. Communication is irreversible. We can't "un-hear" that which we have heard. It becomes a part of us and our perceptual process going forward. This can be kind of a scary thought. Listening makes us vulnerable.

When I open myself up to you, it is a leap of faith that what you are going to tell me will not only be true, but that you won't hurt me terribly. For there are things that you could say that could wound me to the core. So listening involves a deep sense of trust.

The twentieth century theologian and philosopher Martin Buber spoke of the "I-It" orientation and contrasted it with the "I-Thou" orientation. These are two very different ways of looking at, and dealing with, other people.

Someone working from an I-It orientation sees other people as things, to be used for their personal gain and discarded when finished with them We have all encountered these people in our lives. Phony friends who use us, bosses who take advantage of us, lovers who disappear with the morning light never to be heard from again. These folks get what they want and then discard us from their lives.

An I-Thou orientation, in contrast, is a very different way of perceiving the people in our lives. That word "thou" has quasi-spiritual connotations. The word simply means "you" but "thou" means so much more than the word you. Buber recognized that some people look at other human beings and see something Divine. This Divinity has nothing to do with the external trappings like money, possessions, or looks. It is a simple fact of your humanity. As a human being you are a wonderful creature, endowed with the qualities of your creator, and capable of spiritual transcendence. When we look at another with an I-Thou orientation we see that person in all their glory--even if they are dressed in rags.

As listeners we can do it with an I-It orientation ("what can I get from this person to improve my own lot in life?") or with an I-Thou orientation ("How can I help this fellow Child of God standing before me?"). At its best listening is closer to the latter than the former. Listening is a great gift we give another. When we stop what we are doing, look at the speaker, set aside our preconceived judgments, offer honest feedback, ask questions and really hear what they are saying we are engaging in something Divine.

The word "communication" comes from the Latin "communis", meaning "to be as one". When we really listen we are joined as one. We are communicating in the truest sense of the word.

That's all for today. Sorry to get deep on you. I only hope you get it. Listening is more than an effective behavior, it is a Sacred act. My life has been blessed because I take the time to listen. Try it for yourself and you will know what I mean.

Until next time, be well and speak well. And as always, thank you for reading.

For more information about Dan Leyes and his consulting services visit Semiosphere Consulting.