Hey folks! It's been a while since I've had the time to write. Between the book (Public Speaking in the Semiosphere: Creating a Meaningful Experience for Your Audience ), the consulting through Semiosphere Consulting, speaking engagements with nice people like the Garden State Journalists Association and my full-time gig at Brookdale Community College, 2015 has been busy to say the least.
Yet as we say goodbye to another year and prepare to hit the ground running in 2016, this is an ideal time to pause and take a few minutes to reflect and reconnect. More often than not I use this space to talk about public speaking. Today though, I want to talk about communication at a different level. Basically I want to talk about life and the role communication plays in my own happiness, by looking at a few examples of communication choices that have made a difference for me.
I find my life filled with more blessings than I probably deserve and want to share some of them with you, with the hope that it might enrich your life.
Many of the great blessings in my life are from my students. We have an interesting relationship based on listening. At it's best, they listen to me, to hear what I have to share, give it meaning within the context of their own lives, and judge it's relevancy and usefulness. I on the other hand listen to their speeches, try to interpret what they mean, and judge their effectiveness as public speakers. I assess not only their delivery, but the substance of their ideas, and the manner in which they have encoded them for the listener. Their organizational strategies, language choices, and visual aids all come under scrutiny with the hope of helping them become more effective communicators.
And through their degree of success, I evaluate my own teaching methods to see what is working and what is not. All in all it is a mutually creative process designed to help each other communicate better. As such it is inherently enjoyable. Challenging? Oh yes! Both for the students and myself. We push each other to be better so that we will be more successful in the future. And therein lies the beauty of the process. Our motivation--mine anyway--is to help. I find when we frame our motivation as helping, it changes everything and becomes easier.
Another of the great blessings in my life is my relationship with my girlfriend. It's kind of a wonderful story. We were friends in grad school and were very fond of each other. Eventually we dated, but I had a significant problem with alcohol back then and, wisely, she chose to marry another man. We kept in touch, seeing each other annually at the National Communication Association convention, and occasional phone calls. She informed me last year that she was going through a divorce after 20+ years of marriage and through Facebook I tried to lend my support during what was a very difficult time for her. We planned a visit and things just seemed to click for us. Now sober, I had a whole new appreciation of this wonderful woman and thankfully she once again saw the good in me, and love blossomed.
It was our choice to stay in touch that made it all possible. Through maybe a half dozen phone calls over 20 years, our commitment to meeting for a meal at the convention each year, and a Facebook friend request, we maintained a relationship . During that time neither of us had even the faintest notion of a reconciliation. She was, after all, happily married. It was simply two old friends making a point to keep in touch over the years. This was something I have not always done with many friends, but now it is so easy to stay connected through Facebook and the various social media out there.
I guess what I am trying to say is that it is so important to stay in touch even occasionally with old friends, colleagues, and clients. We never know what the future may bring and with each person we encounter comes the potential for that special happiness only another human being can provide.
Finally, I heard from several former students over the holidays and was so pleased to hear how well they were doing. Now lawyers, executives, teachers, and performers I know in my heart that I played some small role in their success. Of course the majority of credit goes to the students and their parents, but I know that the skills they learned and the confidence they gained under my tutelage has served them well on their path to their current achievements. I take tremendous satisfaction in that and am grateful to have had the opportunity for a career in service to others.
And the lesson here is to realize that each moment we spend with others has the potential to influence them in a positive way. From the smallest act of kindness that helps them get through a rough day, to the sometimes tough-love of honest feedback. We are helping them on their path to tomorrow. The tone we set, the knowledge we share, the love we empower them with, all create the context of their life choices going forward.
So our communication choices really do matter. Each moment of our lives we make choices as to how we are going to perceive the the situation, and how we are going to express ourselves in response to it. And the choices we make today will create the tomorrow we find ourselves in.
As we turn the page on 2015, let us all resolve to make choices in 2016 that will lead to happiness and a sense of satisfaction in our personal and professional lives. When in doubt, choose to be supportive, loving, compassionate, and forgiving. We will certainly reap the rewards we sow through our communication choices. Happy New Year to everyone!
That's all for today. Be well and speak well. And as always, thank you for reading!
Showing posts with label Listening. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Listening. Show all posts
Thursday, December 31, 2015
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Listening is Sacred
I have been writing about listening for a week or so now, and somehow I don't think I've really captured its importance. Yes it is a practical skill that can help you immeasurably in your job, your schooling, and your relationships, but it runs deeper than that. Listening to someone--really listening--is a sacred act.
When we really listen to someone, driven by a sincere desire to understand them, it is like we open up our soul and allow them to write on it. Communication is irreversible. We can't "un-hear" that which we have heard. It becomes a part of us and our perceptual process going forward. This can be kind of a scary thought. Listening makes us vulnerable.
When I open myself up to you, it is a leap of faith that what you are going to tell me will not only be true, but that you won't hurt me terribly. For there are things that you could say that could wound me to the core. So listening involves a deep sense of trust.
The twentieth century theologian and philosopher Martin Buber spoke of the "I-It" orientation and contrasted it with the "I-Thou" orientation. These are two very different ways of looking at, and dealing with, other people.
Someone working from an I-It orientation sees other people as things, to be used for their personal gain and discarded when finished with them We have all encountered these people in our lives. Phony friends who use us, bosses who take advantage of us, lovers who disappear with the morning light never to be heard from again. These folks get what they want and then discard us from their lives.
An I-Thou orientation, in contrast, is a very different way of perceiving the people in our lives. That word "thou" has quasi-spiritual connotations. The word simply means "you" but "thou" means so much more than the word you. Buber recognized that some people look at other human beings and see something Divine. This Divinity has nothing to do with the external trappings like money, possessions, or looks. It is a simple fact of your humanity. As a human being you are a wonderful creature, endowed with the qualities of your creator, and capable of spiritual transcendence. When we look at another with an I-Thou orientation we see that person in all their glory--even if they are dressed in rags.
As listeners we can do it with an I-It orientation ("what can I get from this person to improve my own lot in life?") or with an I-Thou orientation ("How can I help this fellow Child of God standing before me?"). At its best listening is closer to the latter than the former. Listening is a great gift we give another. When we stop what we are doing, look at the speaker, set aside our preconceived judgments, offer honest feedback, ask questions and really hear what they are saying we are engaging in something Divine.
The word "communication" comes from the Latin "communis", meaning "to be as one". When we really listen we are joined as one. We are communicating in the truest sense of the word.
That's all for today. Sorry to get deep on you. I only hope you get it. Listening is more than an effective behavior, it is a Sacred act. My life has been blessed because I take the time to listen. Try it for yourself and you will know what I mean.
Until next time, be well and speak well. And as always, thank you for reading.
For more information about Dan Leyes and his consulting services visit Semiosphere Consulting.
When we really listen to someone, driven by a sincere desire to understand them, it is like we open up our soul and allow them to write on it. Communication is irreversible. We can't "un-hear" that which we have heard. It becomes a part of us and our perceptual process going forward. This can be kind of a scary thought. Listening makes us vulnerable.
When I open myself up to you, it is a leap of faith that what you are going to tell me will not only be true, but that you won't hurt me terribly. For there are things that you could say that could wound me to the core. So listening involves a deep sense of trust.
The twentieth century theologian and philosopher Martin Buber spoke of the "I-It" orientation and contrasted it with the "I-Thou" orientation. These are two very different ways of looking at, and dealing with, other people.
Someone working from an I-It orientation sees other people as things, to be used for their personal gain and discarded when finished with them We have all encountered these people in our lives. Phony friends who use us, bosses who take advantage of us, lovers who disappear with the morning light never to be heard from again. These folks get what they want and then discard us from their lives.
An I-Thou orientation, in contrast, is a very different way of perceiving the people in our lives. That word "thou" has quasi-spiritual connotations. The word simply means "you" but "thou" means so much more than the word you. Buber recognized that some people look at other human beings and see something Divine. This Divinity has nothing to do with the external trappings like money, possessions, or looks. It is a simple fact of your humanity. As a human being you are a wonderful creature, endowed with the qualities of your creator, and capable of spiritual transcendence. When we look at another with an I-Thou orientation we see that person in all their glory--even if they are dressed in rags.
As listeners we can do it with an I-It orientation ("what can I get from this person to improve my own lot in life?") or with an I-Thou orientation ("How can I help this fellow Child of God standing before me?"). At its best listening is closer to the latter than the former. Listening is a great gift we give another. When we stop what we are doing, look at the speaker, set aside our preconceived judgments, offer honest feedback, ask questions and really hear what they are saying we are engaging in something Divine.
The word "communication" comes from the Latin "communis", meaning "to be as one". When we really listen we are joined as one. We are communicating in the truest sense of the word.
That's all for today. Sorry to get deep on you. I only hope you get it. Listening is more than an effective behavior, it is a Sacred act. My life has been blessed because I take the time to listen. Try it for yourself and you will know what I mean.
Until next time, be well and speak well. And as always, thank you for reading.
For more information about Dan Leyes and his consulting services visit Semiosphere Consulting.
Friday, April 19, 2013
9 Tips for Being a Better Listener
There is an old saying to the effect that God gave us two ears and one mouth because we should listen more and talk less.
In today's post I will share several simple tips for being a better listener. Individually, they are small behavioral changes. Collectively they will improve your listening immeasurably. For the most part they are simple and easily done. However, they are habitual ways of being with others and so old habits must be broken and new ones formed to make you consistently a better listener.
1. First, stop talking! If you are talking you are not listening. You are too busy trying to encode messages to put your full energy into decoding what your interlocutor is saying.
2. And in a related behavior, don't interrupt. Let the person finish the thought and be sure you understand it before you interject.
3. Avoid the temptation to spend your mental energy formulating what you are going to say next while the other person is still talking. If you are silently planning what you will say, you are not fully engaged in listening.
4. We must also avoid prejudging the person and the message before we have heard and understood both. Sometimes we take one look at someone and believe we know them and their views based on their appearance. We form opinions about people before they have even opened their mouths, based upon their manner of dress, hairstyle, tattoos, the quality of their footwear, and so on. We make an inferential leap from appearance to beliefs about attitudes and viewpoints that very well may miss the mark. At best they are presumptuous, and at worst just flat out wrong. The problem is those preconceived notions become the lens or context through which we see the other person and what they have to say and color our understanding of the message, distorting it to fit into our preconceptions.
5, One very simple thing we can do to be a better listener is simply to look at the speaker. We are surrounded by potential distractions and where the eyes go, the mind follows. This is particularly true when we are an audience member in a public speaking situation. I know that as a student with Attention Deficit Disorder, before such a term was popular, I was a classic underachiever because I was paying attention to everything going on around me--except the teacher! When I got to college, I knew I had this problem so I made a conscious effort to sustain my eye contact with the teacher. I zeroed in on instructors with all my might. And a funny thing happened; I went from being a C+ student to an A student. I didn't get smarter in college, and the work didn't get easier. I simply weeded out all the environmental distractions by focusing my vision on the professor exclusively.
6. We must also be vigilant in avoiding non-listening behaviors when someone is talking to us. If we are watching the game on TV, texting, perusing a magazine, or doing anything else that requires mental focus, we are not listening effectively. Our energy and attention is on something else and at best we are missing the non-verbal part of the message (which many believe is the most important dimension of the message). We are in essence saying to the person speaking to us "this other thing is equally or more important right now than you are"...a terrible message to send to our kids, significant other, or anyone really.
7. Good listeners are also able to empathize with the speaker. Put yourself in the other person's shoes for a moment and see the world through their eyes. Sometimes this is difficult--especially when we think we disagree with what they are saying. But if we want to truly understand someone's point of view, it is essential. The ability to empathize is an essential feature of emotional intelligence and resolving conflict.People who have a hard time empathizing, have a hard time with people in general.
8, We must also work to deliver non-verbal feedback. Good listeners let you know they are with you--and when you have lost them. Head nods, responsive facial expressions, small sounds ("hmmm", "uh huh", "right") all let the speaker know we are following along their train of thought. But the most valuable feedback we can provide is when we DON'T understand, are lost or confused. People want to be understood. Hell, we marry the person in this world who really understands us, right? We do them a tremendous service when we let them know we do not understand them or are lost. If you have ever talked to a stone-faced individual, you know how uncomfortable it is. It is disconcerting to not receive nonverbal feedback, and it affects how we continue or if we continue at all. A lack of feedback says "I don't care" and squelches communication.
9 Another good listening behavior is to ask questions. Good listeners ask questions for clarification, additional information and the like. Good listeners want to make sure they understand you and your message in its entirety so they ask for additional information, contextual information and so on. I once worked as a bartender and was pretty successful at it. The secret to my success was to ask questions! "How was your day?" "How's the family?" "What do you do for a living?". Ask a few questions and then just let them talk. They all said I was a great bartender, but all I really did was listen to them and fill their glass...come to think of it I was a great bartender!
These are some simple things that anyone can do to be a better listener. Try them. I promise you will get results that bring you closer to the people in your life. You will better understand your children, your spouse, your co-workers, if you simply take the time to listen to them.
I have more to say though, about listening and will try to wrap this all up this weekend.
Until then, be well and speak well. And as always, thanks for reading!
For more information about Dan Leyes and his consulting services visit Semiosphere Consulting.
In today's post I will share several simple tips for being a better listener. Individually, they are small behavioral changes. Collectively they will improve your listening immeasurably. For the most part they are simple and easily done. However, they are habitual ways of being with others and so old habits must be broken and new ones formed to make you consistently a better listener.
1. First, stop talking! If you are talking you are not listening. You are too busy trying to encode messages to put your full energy into decoding what your interlocutor is saying.
2. And in a related behavior, don't interrupt. Let the person finish the thought and be sure you understand it before you interject.
3. Avoid the temptation to spend your mental energy formulating what you are going to say next while the other person is still talking. If you are silently planning what you will say, you are not fully engaged in listening.
4. We must also avoid prejudging the person and the message before we have heard and understood both. Sometimes we take one look at someone and believe we know them and their views based on their appearance. We form opinions about people before they have even opened their mouths, based upon their manner of dress, hairstyle, tattoos, the quality of their footwear, and so on. We make an inferential leap from appearance to beliefs about attitudes and viewpoints that very well may miss the mark. At best they are presumptuous, and at worst just flat out wrong. The problem is those preconceived notions become the lens or context through which we see the other person and what they have to say and color our understanding of the message, distorting it to fit into our preconceptions.
5, One very simple thing we can do to be a better listener is simply to look at the speaker. We are surrounded by potential distractions and where the eyes go, the mind follows. This is particularly true when we are an audience member in a public speaking situation. I know that as a student with Attention Deficit Disorder, before such a term was popular, I was a classic underachiever because I was paying attention to everything going on around me--except the teacher! When I got to college, I knew I had this problem so I made a conscious effort to sustain my eye contact with the teacher. I zeroed in on instructors with all my might. And a funny thing happened; I went from being a C+ student to an A student. I didn't get smarter in college, and the work didn't get easier. I simply weeded out all the environmental distractions by focusing my vision on the professor exclusively.
6. We must also be vigilant in avoiding non-listening behaviors when someone is talking to us. If we are watching the game on TV, texting, perusing a magazine, or doing anything else that requires mental focus, we are not listening effectively. Our energy and attention is on something else and at best we are missing the non-verbal part of the message (which many believe is the most important dimension of the message). We are in essence saying to the person speaking to us "this other thing is equally or more important right now than you are"...a terrible message to send to our kids, significant other, or anyone really.
7. Good listeners are also able to empathize with the speaker. Put yourself in the other person's shoes for a moment and see the world through their eyes. Sometimes this is difficult--especially when we think we disagree with what they are saying. But if we want to truly understand someone's point of view, it is essential. The ability to empathize is an essential feature of emotional intelligence and resolving conflict.People who have a hard time empathizing, have a hard time with people in general.
8, We must also work to deliver non-verbal feedback. Good listeners let you know they are with you--and when you have lost them. Head nods, responsive facial expressions, small sounds ("hmmm", "uh huh", "right") all let the speaker know we are following along their train of thought. But the most valuable feedback we can provide is when we DON'T understand, are lost or confused. People want to be understood. Hell, we marry the person in this world who really understands us, right? We do them a tremendous service when we let them know we do not understand them or are lost. If you have ever talked to a stone-faced individual, you know how uncomfortable it is. It is disconcerting to not receive nonverbal feedback, and it affects how we continue or if we continue at all. A lack of feedback says "I don't care" and squelches communication.
9 Another good listening behavior is to ask questions. Good listeners ask questions for clarification, additional information and the like. Good listeners want to make sure they understand you and your message in its entirety so they ask for additional information, contextual information and so on. I once worked as a bartender and was pretty successful at it. The secret to my success was to ask questions! "How was your day?" "How's the family?" "What do you do for a living?". Ask a few questions and then just let them talk. They all said I was a great bartender, but all I really did was listen to them and fill their glass...come to think of it I was a great bartender!
These are some simple things that anyone can do to be a better listener. Try them. I promise you will get results that bring you closer to the people in your life. You will better understand your children, your spouse, your co-workers, if you simply take the time to listen to them.
I have more to say though, about listening and will try to wrap this all up this weekend.
Until then, be well and speak well. And as always, thanks for reading!
For more information about Dan Leyes and his consulting services visit Semiosphere Consulting.
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